I can't believe it's been almost 4 years since I've written a journal entry on Deviant Art.
So much has trespassed since then.
I am alone, finally. First time I am completely alone in over 8 years. I thought I wouldn't survive it, yet here I am.
It's not perfect. I still get depressed. Overly emotional. Lonely. Cry a lot.
But I am also dancing now more than ever. Singing. Writing again. Meeting people. Learning about the world, learning about myself. Speaking more Spanish. Enjoying time with my beautiful sweet students. I've lost at least 15 pounds. I am taking care of myself, for the most part. Controlling (some) urges. Navigating, falling down but always getting back up.
I am doing something I never thought I would. I know it isn't sustainable, but I enjoy it so much that, I just want to taste it, to be enveloped by it, until the fuse runs out. I don't care what anyone says. I am falling. I want to enjoy it while I can, because he's beautiful and I am inspired. Also, I have learned nothing lasts forever anyway. I have made so many plans, I have lost my mother suddenly, and so long there's a balance, I will enjoy this and learn from it. I have a rule - don't cry more than 3 times. Since I started rule, I have not cried at all (almost but doesn't count).
I've been listening a lot to 90's rock. I feel at east, at home. So many memories. I feel safe. Calm. I love the 90's.
I also have been reconnecting with my Hispanic roots. One of the greatest gifts was sharing Ricardo Montaner and my love of his music and how it ties me to my mother. I don't regret that moment, and never will.
I feel like life is just one big spiral, spiraling out, over and over. Reconnecting, meeting, new ideas, but then there is always that familiar thread that unites everything, everyone, experiences.
I feel like I just have to push myself. My work has suffered. I have felt inept, uninspired. But I will benefit, and so will my kids, if I just throw myself into my job again. I also want to keep creating. Started writing again, but need to paint and draw again. I am surrounded by beautiful people that inspire me. It's my turn. Pick up that pen. That paintbrush. This is it. This is life. This is all I have. And it's the seemingly small things that make life worth living. When I think about dying, I remember wait.. and miss out on this? Miss out on my love of...
* Nature - walks, camping, trees, the rain, flowers, the stars, hearing crickets at night, feeling the sun on my skin, the beautiful deep blue sea...
*Food and cooking - Indian food, the curries, the different spices and flavors, sharing a meal with those I love, feeding my partner strawberries, sushi, cooking and experimenting, cooking for someone and seeing them enjoy my creations
* Teaching and my students - their smiles, their silly jokes, dancing and singing with them, hearing their stories, watching them grow as humans and as language learners, hearing them speak Spanish and their little mistakes that show they are progressing
* Art - all of it - performance arts, watching a Cirque du Soleil show, admiring paintings and drawings, incredibly talented human beings I am in awe of, and feeling inspired by it, the beautiful combination of colors that evoke a feeling, evoke a thought, tell a story, watching dancers and how they connect with the music and with each other
*Dance - this is my ultimate passion and love, I can't get enough of it. I feel the most at ease and myself when I am dancing. I can also now connect with others through dance. I can express myself. I actually am proud of how I dance - I can't say that about anything else I do
*People - I love, love people. I love how complex yet simple they are. I love listening to them and watching what they do. What inspires them and makes them tick. What they love and what they are willing to do for that. Watching how courageous they are, passionate, and how they can go through the most difficult times and still come through in the end as stronger people
*Love and passion - I love to love, I want to give, give myself, to be immersed in love and passion, hopefully to someone I love and admire who will accept it, who will treat me with the same love and respect, and maybe just maybe one day I will have that man who not just checks off items on my list and I do for him, but who is willing to say "yes" to experiencing me and I do the same to him, and we relish in everything that I talked about before but together, while still being our own individual people who do not stifle each other's growth.
I had this burst of inspiration of energy today. But listening to music, typing all this, and I can already feel the energy being sapped from me, because I realize the long road ahead, I realize that hey I am really alone in this world, that it's really just me with occasionally connecting with others but in reality, that woman in the mirror, that's it, that's all I have. These hands. This energy. This spirit, and soul. It's all up to me. How I react to what people say and do, to situations in my life, how I take care of myself, what I say "yes" to and "no" to, boundaries I set, etc. All me. Here we go...