hecatenyxx

The little bit I know about ritual magick and alchemy is basically energy begets energy, put your thoughts out there and use your hands and will to make things happen... so here's to me putting my goals out into the universe, as I have in the past, but must continue to do so, to keep the momentum going...

"Magick is the science and art of causing change to occur in conformity with will." - Aleister Crowley
"Become an alchemist.  Transmute metal into gold, suffering into consciousness, disaster into enlightenment." - Eckhart Tolle

These goals have been ongoing for the most part...

1) Teaching
          - TPRS, CI, PQA - work on these language teaching strategies and methods.. I have had some success in the past, especially with 6th and 7th because there is less structure in the curriculum.  I need to start research again. PQA has been difficult but will try a new approach based on talk with Justin
         - 90% Spanish - I can do it, have done it.  I have just been tired and discouraged lately.  Gotta start again! Use a timer.
         - This quarter, have more meaningful assignments and grades-  At least two per week to assess their acquisition of new vocab and structures.  Give more direct feedback to kids, have a meeting one more time before quarter ends witch each student

2) Physical / Outdoors
         - I want to run another 5k.  
         - I want to go on more walks not just at Riverview but other places
         - Go camping again in the next couple of months, even if I go alone
         - Swim in the river
         - Shenandoah park
         - Start weights again, 2x per week, and get back on doing yoga / zuumba

3) Cooking
        - Expand what I can cook - try out 3 recipes in next couple of weeks even if I have to tweak
        - Cook more for others - Janelle - other friends <3 maybe something for students?

4) Friendship, Relationships
        - Be cognizant of who I can share what with.  Stick to my gut feelings on people.  Build boundaries.
        - Limit how negative I am , for my sake and theirs.  Limit to maybe 10 minutes of sharing negativity but balance it out with positive.
        - Listen to others - ask lots and lots of questions
        - Do things for others - small things - notice what they love, and offer it to them in small doses. Show that I care.
        - Watch how my relationships with people affect me.  If someone causes me more heartache than good, adds no value or little value to my life, then let them go
        - Don't change for others, in the sense that you feel you can't be true to yourself because of fear of what they will think
        - Do not expect others to help you feel happy or love yourself... only you can do that.  You have to be okay with yourself first.

5) Self
      - limit negative thoughts, add 2 positive to every negative
      - practice being home alone - sing, dance, write, paint, draw, clean...
      - be able to look self in mirror and be content with what I see
      - pursue goals, continually express self through art 

6) Creativity
      - a least one painting / drawing in next week
      - keep writing poetry
      - attempt again at writing vampire story ... at least write two paragraphs
      - share art with someone I care about that cares about me 
      - choreograph Mi Gente
      
7) Other general future goals...
      - work on another language (Japanese, Arabic)
      - instrument (doumbek, something else)
      - find roommate
      - start saving money so I can travel (Spain, Venezuela, Costa Rica, Caribbean, Houston, New Mexico, Colorado, Boston, etc)
      - find decent apartment, have basic furniture (damn bed finally)
       - be open to and consider moving somewhere different... experience some place new.... teach English abroad?
       - Master's - just two more classes and comps.. come on!!!
      

Main goal is... to be happy and content on the inside.  Because if I have that, no matter where I am, who I am with, I can hold on to myself, and never really be lonely again... be okay being alone... but also share myself with the world and never ever lose that fun, child-like, free, loving, creative, person that I know I am.

I can't believe it's been almost 4 years since I've written a journal entry on Deviant Art.

So much has trespassed since then.

I am alone, finally.  First time I am completely alone in over 8 years.  I thought I wouldn't survive it, yet here I am.  

It's not perfect.  I still get depressed.  Overly emotional.  Lonely.  Cry a lot.

But I am also dancing now more than ever.  Singing.  Writing again.  Meeting people.  Learning about the world, learning about myself.  Speaking more Spanish.  Enjoying time with my beautiful sweet students.  I've lost at least 15 pounds.  I am taking care of myself, for the most part.  Controlling (some) urges.  Navigating, falling down but always getting back up.  

I am doing something I never thought I would.  I know it isn't sustainable, but I enjoy it so much that, I just want to taste it, to be enveloped by it, until the fuse runs out.  I don't care what anyone says.  I am falling.  I want to enjoy it while I can, because he's beautiful and I am inspired.  Also, I have learned nothing lasts forever anyway.  I have made so many plans, I have lost my mother suddenly, and so long there's a balance, I will enjoy this and learn from it.  I have a rule - don't cry more than 3 times.  Since I started rule, I have not cried at all (almost but doesn't count).

I've been listening a lot to 90's rock.  I feel at east, at home.  So many memories.  I feel safe.  Calm.  I love the 90's.
I also have been reconnecting with my Hispanic roots.  One of the greatest gifts was sharing Ricardo Montaner and my love of his music and how it ties me to my mother.  I don't regret that moment, and never will.  

I feel like life is just one big spiral, spiraling out, over and over.  Reconnecting, meeting, new ideas, but then there is always that familiar thread that unites everything, everyone, experiences.

I feel like I just have to push myself.  My work has suffered.  I have felt inept, uninspired.  But I will benefit, and so will my kids, if I just throw myself into my job again.  I also want to keep creating.  Started writing again, but need to paint and draw again.  I am surrounded by beautiful people that inspire me.  It's my turn.   Pick up that pen.  That paintbrush.  This is it.  This is life.  This is all I have.  And it's the seemingly small things that make life worth living.  When I think about dying, I remember wait.. and miss out on this?  Miss out on my love of...

* Nature - walks, camping, trees, the rain, flowers, the stars, hearing crickets at night, feeling the sun on my skin, the beautiful deep blue sea...
*Food and cooking - Indian food, the curries, the different spices and flavors, sharing a meal with those I love, feeding my partner strawberries, sushi, cooking and experimenting, cooking for someone and seeing them enjoy my creations
* Teaching and my students - their smiles, their silly jokes, dancing and singing with them, hearing their stories, watching them grow as humans and as language learners, hearing them speak Spanish and their little mistakes that show they are progressing
* Art - all of it - performance arts, watching a Cirque du Soleil show, admiring paintings and drawings, incredibly talented human beings I am in awe of, and feeling inspired by it, the beautiful combination of colors that evoke a feeling, evoke a thought, tell a story, watching dancers and how they connect with the music and with each other
*Dance - this is my ultimate passion and love,  I can't get enough of it.  I feel the most at ease and myself when I am dancing.  I can also now connect with others through dance.  I can express myself.  I actually am proud of how I dance - I can't say that about anything else I do
*People - I love, love people.  I love how complex yet simple they are.  I love listening to them and watching what they do. What inspires them and makes them tick.  What they love and what they are willing to do for that.  Watching how courageous they are, passionate, and how they can go through the most difficult times and still come through in the end as stronger people
*Love and passion - I love to love, I want to give, give myself, to be immersed in love and passion, hopefully to someone I love and admire who will accept it, who will treat me with the same love and respect, and maybe just maybe one day I will have that man who not just checks off items on my list and I do for him, but who is willing to say "yes" to experiencing me and I do the same to him, and we relish in everything that I talked about before but together, while still being our own individual people who do not stifle each other's growth.

I had this burst of inspiration of energy today.  But listening to music, typing all this, and I can already feel the energy being sapped from me, because I realize the long road ahead, I realize that hey I am really alone in this world, that it's really just me with occasionally connecting with others but in reality, that woman in the mirror, that's it, that's all I have.  These hands.  This energy.  This spirit, and soul.  It's all up to me.  How I react to what people say and do, to situations in my life, how I take care of myself, what I say "yes" to and "no" to, boundaries I set, etc.  All me.  Here we go...

down down far down
up up way up
sick of this 
just a matter of time
before the hell and depression ends
before dreams and happiness shoot me up in the sky
so high i disappear
nothing is clear
pictures of happy smiles
pictures of families
while i sit here
smile and nod
on the inside
i scream
on the inside
i die

Ya no quiero
tener una familia
Ya no quiero
casarme
Una fantasía
Sólo es
Una fantasía
y nada más

Nada será perfecto
Nada será como un sueño
Nunca seré feliz
Mejor me quedo con esto

Ya no quiero esperanzas
Ya no quiero pensar más
El futuro no existe
Sólo hoy, y nada más

Ya no quiero ver en tus ojos
Y soñar en nuestra hija
Ya no quiero imaginarme
Su carita, nuestra familia
Que nunca será

Ya no quiero, porque no puedo
No aguanto siempre soñar
Mejor estar satisfecha con lo que tengo
Porque temo, que nada me hará feliz
Si no dejo de soñar
Ya no

Porque mi madre nunca regresará
Porque el pasado nunca cambiará
Porque el futuro pues, está fuera de mis manos
Sólo el presente
Adiós futuro
Cierro mis ojos
Miro a mis pies
Segura que no me trapiezo
Segura, mejor que abierta
Para no ser feliz
Mejor me quedo aqui
Estática, segura, nunca queriendo más
Porque muchos tienen menos
Soy bendecida
Pedirle a Dios por más
Sería una desgracia
Ingrata, mi nombre

Entonces
Ya no
Ya no más

I hold you in my arms
As your eyes look up at me
I look into the sea
The sea of dreams
You're my dream

A year, a month, a day,
A moment, so pure
We dance, hold hands
The sea of dreams,
You're my dream

Learning, growing, sharing
The intricacies of exploring
Who we are, in this,
The sea of dreams,
You, mi amor, are my dream

So many firsts, plans, feats
Together, partners in crime
Todo es posible
The sea of dreams
You're my dream

I breathe easier thanks to you
I smile more thanks to you
I'm healthier, I'm free
The sea of dreams
You're my dream made reality